It seemed only fitting that I am feeling just as my Blog page is titled. I am lost and confused. For those who know me, I have changed my major 5 times. My parents moved to the city of Fargo away from my childhood home of 21 years, Indianapolis. I decided changing schools would fit me best given the circumstances. Perhaps a school that seemed familiar, as both my parents went to Concordia. Yeah, that would be a good, fresh start for me. And here I am.
I’ve changed majors 3 times in my first year at Concordia. I dove right in to campus activities: tennis team, choir, school newspaper, student ambassador, etc. I’ve put myself out there and been as extroverted as I can be, meeting fantastic friends and brilliant professors. Why then am I drifting? Why am I in a rage during tennis practice and an actor when giving a tour of campus? I am isolated. I am alone. I am spinning wildly, unsure of anything in my life. I’ve been blessed with so much but have no clue of my next move, in any part of my life. I miss my true home. I miss my childhood friends. I miss the people who knew me when I was six, and who knew me when I was going through puberty in middle and high school. I can’t seem to shake this isolation. I can’t talk to friends at Concordia about being beyond homesick, feeling as though Concordia was a mistake. On the flip side, I can’t talk to my friends from home about Concordia, because they’ve never experienced it firsthand nor did they want me to leave Indianapolis in the first place. I can’t talk to my parents because I don’t want to tell them that leaving Indianapolis might have been a mistake, that when they moved (which was great for them, and was the smart decision) it threw my entire world upside down. I am alone or, so it seems. I look for solace in so much but find so little. I feel this tugging at my core to listen to the one still voice. A voice that tells me to give everything I am past, present, and future to Him. To relinquish the control over my life that was and is rightfully His. But to be honest? I don’t want to. I want to know my plan. I want to have someone here on earth who understands where I am and to tell me it will be okay. To give me a plan and a hope for the future. To help me engage in and enjoy my classes for once in my college career. To tell me I didn’t make a mistake leaving Purdue. I so desperately want to find that person. But alas, that person is nowhere to be found.
It is okay to be angry towards God, I keep telling myself. It’s okay to express doubt and frustration towards Him. I find that the more I try to put on a show for God the deeper in regret and shame I fall. God did not send His only Son to die for my sins so that I might give Him a half-hearted, “everything’s great God” response. Christ died so that I might be set free from the bondage that enslaved me. Being free, I can bring my struggles and doubts to His feet. It isn’t about putting on the perfect show with Christ. It’s about being so dependent on Him, that each and every one of my struggles is cast towards Him, knowing He is in control and will right the ship some how and some way. For the times when I’m feeling isolated and alone, for they are many, I might recognize that Christ is always with me. He’s feeling the pain, the loneliness, and the regret. Instead of moping around, bottling up these emotions ,Christ is already molding them into something better; and I just need the confidence to step away from the reins I’ve placed over my life and enjoy the ride.
“Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.” Isaiah 26:4